Finding life hard. May be long but please read thank you :)?

Well i only turned 15 in march so i'm not that old anyway ever since i was young i've had a really hard life. My mother died when i was a day away from becoming 10.She died of cancer that she has been fighting for 3 years. Her death wrecked me emotionally. I had nightmares after that for 3 years or so about her being evil and very sinister things. But the nightmares eventually stopped but then two years later my granny who was my mother's mother died. The night of her death i dreamt about her which really freaked me out. Ever since my mother dieing i've had to act like an adult, i've helped my family with extreme depression, i stopped some of them running away, some self harmed. It was like hell. I did it all on my own. I told no one because it makes me feel guilty for some reason. Well now things are kind of okay now in my family. There's not really any extreme arguments and some of my family have completely recovered from the depression. I've always gotten bullied for apparently being an emo. Even now i'm still bullied for it. I'm very paranoid and i think i have depression and i have extremely low self esteem. Anyway these 5 monthes have been crazy. Basically i have done some really bad things. But it was more convincing me than anything. I've been drinking often with friends and my now ex boyfriend and i had more than once but the last time we ever did was when he forced it on me when i said there was to be no at that time since there was no protection. So my friends told me he was bad for me and all the things you could think of. I got so annoyed at them. It is my life my choice not there's. Anyway it was basically , i had to get the morning after pill, the girl was so nice about it to me. So i know i'm not pregnant now as i have gotten my period two times, they have been later than usual though and i'm getting extremely bad cramping :/. So i broke up with him on the day before my GCSE Mocks so i ended up only getting good in one subject which was awful. I do selfharm sometimes because i can't seem to cry very often and i hate feeling or being seen as weak. It's really annoying because everytime i feel like crying i hold myself back. My friends don't seem to help me at all. They seem to think it's all a walk in the park but it really isn't. So i'm still in contact with my ex. I still love him and he still loves me but i'm finding it hard to believe. We talked dirty the other night which i felt so odd about, it's so out of my character. You see he wanted me to send him a 'picture' but i refused then he sent a text that really hurt me, basically saying that if i can have with him why can't i send the picture. I felt so angry and upset but yet again i couldn't cry, my eyes will get watery but no crying whatsoever. So he has been putting me through hell for the past 5 monthes but i miss him and i can't let him go :(. I've tried to get him out of my life but i always give in. He isn't very good honestly but i still love him. Also i've stopped eating at times because i feel so out of control. So i think that's everything.